Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Crying and such

Last night I went to the movie "My Sister's Keeper". It was really good and I cried. Although it's a sad-ish movie, the crying that went on was more of a 'feeling of abundance of love' cry than a sad cry. Hope that makes sense.  I was feeling so much love for Ed, Sarah and our (soon to be born) boy.  Anyway, it felt really good to cry. Even on the drive home I cried. I wanted to and welcomed it just because it felt so good! Is that weird? :) It's not that I don't have struggles in my life or that my life is perfect, but I really don't ever cry anymore. If I do it's usually sparked by someone else crying. I really feel like I'm happy about life. There's not much to cry about. (I hate to say that for fear that something will happen now to warrant crying.) I really think Ed, Sarah, family and friends must do a great job of helping me be happy.  That, or maybe I just hold back when I feel like crying other times? Either way I'd like to cry more. It's such a great feeling to me. It gives me such a great release. Maybe it's just 'happy' crying I'm talking about too? I don't think it's a hormonal pregnancy thing either. Do you like to cry too? 

Another tidbit- It's weird that I'm starting take the perspective of the older character in shows as opposed to younger. In this case the mother. It's neat to be experiencing that side of it. My ability to love has definitely expanded since being a mom. Not just for Sarah either. Seeing Ed as a dad makes my love for him stronger. Even on rough mothering days, I am really grateful to be experiencing motherhood. Try it out if you're already not! :) And to those trying... best of luck!

On another subject- 
I was really sad on Sunday after getting home from church when I realized that (even though I'm pregnant) I didn't fast. Fasting can still have meaning even if you have to eat. I didn't have a prayer in my heart. I knew it was fast Sunday and didn't do a thing about it. I felt so selfish and ashamed that I didn't think of anything to fast for. I have plenty of things I could have fasted for.  Where has my desire gone? I feel a little spiritually depressed. Definitely not something I'm proud to say, but it's true. I wish being good, kind and thoughtful came more natural.

Updates from June to come... Sarah is a chatterbox!!


mj said...

nice post. thanks for the thoughts. :)

the watkins said...

I agree. Thanks for posting. You are an inspirational woman!

Julia Wade said...

i'm glad you cried. makes me feel better after bawling my eyes out after "Up". you are one sweet girl linds. :)

Andrea Harper said...

I TOTALLY hear you about crying and loving it. Of course, it depends on the reason for crying, but it really can be SUCH a good release! I think crying also makes me really think about why I'm feeling the things I am, so it's kinda like therapy for me. I can ignore things and not think about them too much - until I cry about them. Does that make sense?

I DID fast, but sadly with nothing in mind. I realized that, as I was sitting in sacrament, I didn't know what I was fasting for. And I never did find I reason. SO I hear you on that too. Sometimes there are just spiritual lulls.

Oh, and good luck with baby #2! I'm so excited for you!!!

Jackson Brown said...

Congrats on baby boy, I can't wait to see him, sounds like all went well. I want to hear about it, in comparison to your other birth. What is his name?